Don’t Let Your Wrath Make You a Wraith: Trevin Wax warns us, “The frightening future for the unforgiving isn’t in encountering a ghost but in becoming a ghost yourself, perpetually haunted by resentment and wrath until your humanity is diminished.”
Reminding Ourselves to Forgive—Even After We’ve Said the Words: Lara d’Entremont’s related post begins, “We often picture forgiveness as a single moment—not a journey. We imagine a moment of tears as each party repents and asks the other for forgiveness. We imagine hugs and handshakes. What we don’t usually imagine is a journey. But what if a journey is a more apt description? What if forgiveness isn’t only a moment, but also a journey of reminding ourselves of the forgiveness received and given? What if forgiveness is refusing revenge and bitterness?”
Deaths of Despair and Loss of Religion Linked: Steve Goldstein reports, “So-called deaths of despair such as from suicide or alcohol abuse have been skyrocketing for middle-aged white Americans. It’s been blamed on various phenomenon, including opioid abuse. But a new research paper finds a different culprit — declining religious practice.”
The Murderer Who Crushed a Worm: Tim Challies points to a gentle warming from F.B. Meyers, “Guard especially against heart-hardening. Hard hearts are unbelieving ones; therefore beware of ossification of the heart. The hardest hearts were soft once, and the softest may get hard.”
What was God Doing Before Creation? Michael Reeves packs a lot into his two-minute answer to this question.
The Gospel of Self-Forgiveness
She sits in my office, tears running down her face. Two years ago her mother died in hospice while she lay asleep at home. She was trying to get a decent night’s rest after days spent at her mother’s side. “I just can’t forgive myself. I let her die alone. I knew I should have been there, but I was selfish. I can never forgive myself for that.”
I’ve heard dozens share similar confessions with me. Does this resonate with you? What guilt do you bear? What burdens are you carrying because you can’t forgive yourself?
Injustice: The Gratitude Snatcher
I pray you had a blessed Thanksgiving. I hope your heart entered into this past week with a spirit of gratitude and that your time with friends, family, and God only heightened that gratitude.
No one wants to walk in ingratitude, and yet gratitude can be so quickly snatched from us.
What destroys thanksgiving? There are many threats: envy, pride, and selfishness. But one sneaky snatcher of gratitude is injustice. When the earth quake with injustice, its tremors rattle our hearts and our trust.
When we experience injustice, questions swirl: Why would God allow this wrong to happen? Doesn’t God care about me? Won’t the wrongdoer be punished? Won’t the victim receive restitution?
Our hearts cry out: but why God? When the solid ground beneath us breaks in the earthquake of injustice, we can be left feeling uncertain, shaken, and fearful. In this broken soil, gratitude can slip away.
When the people of Nineveh repent and God forgives them, Jonah is dismayed. How could a just God let the Ninevites off the hook? They were a city of “unceasing evil” (Nah. 3:19), filled with violence, cruelty, sexual debauchery, and idolatry. Jonah is indignant.
Forgiving Like a Child
A transformation happened nearly every night we put our sweet foster boy down for bed. Minutes after the cherubic toddler was happily reading books with me, and seconds after he sweetly swayed in my arms as I sang to him, he transformed. The moment of metamorphosis occurred as I placed him in his crib. He would roll over and, with big tears rolling down his fat cheeks, wail. As I left the room and closed the door, he would stand in the crib, looking at me with pleading eyes. “How could you abandon me?” his eyes would ask.
The sun would set, the moon would rise and set, and the sun would rise again. I open his door to find him sleeping. I turn off the sound machine and open the window shade. He hikes up his cute bottom in the air, rolls over, pulls himself up, and greets me with the biggest smile you’ve ever seen. I smile back and he giggles.
Forgiven.
Fast forward several hours, and a couple sits on my couch in my office. He can’t move past the fact that she won’t make love to him. She can’t move past the fact she caught him watching porn.[i]
Not forgiven.
The claws of unforgiveness are sharp and relentless.
Slow Down: a Dad's Reflection
Our kids just finished fifth and seventh grade. Unless God has unexpected plans for us, elementary school is now in our rear view mirror. The week of my son’s fifth grade promotion, Nicole Nordeman’s “Slow Down” came on. I froze as I listened and welled up.
6 Ways a Pastor Should Respond to a Departing Congregant
I sat across the room from the couple, trying to slow down my mind and open my heart to the criticism they were leveling at me. They had been offended by my sermon and had reacted on Facebook, indicating they were leaving the church. I reached out privately and asked if we could meet to talk. They agreed to do so. When we met, he was relatively calm, but she was very upset and I knew that I needed to hold my own emotions in check to be able to listen to the heart of what she was saying and respond in love, not hurt. As I had prayed to prepare for the meeting I genuinely didn’t think I was going to be able to ask for forgiveness for anything as I didn’t think I had done anything wrong. But in the midst of the meeting God opened my heart to see an area of blindness. I was able to ask and receive their forgiveness for the way this blind spot had injured them. I then asked if they would be willing to ask for forgiveness for their slander. They were willing to do so and I forgave them.
These are not the meetings that you anticipate when you sign up to be a pastor, but there are few moments more important in your ministry than these tense conversations.
Over the course of this series, I’ve reflected on a congregant’s responsibility, but pastors and leaders bear a responsibility to help congregants navigate departures well.
One friend wisely said, “I think the pastor needs to do his part in hearing the discord, attempt to reconcile, and when reconciliation is not the solution for continued membership, to ensure a good relocation.” She’s right. Here are six ways a leader should respond to those who are leaving:
This Week's Recommendations
1. The Fading of Forgiveness: Tim Keller reflects on a troubling trend. He says, “Today, after the renewal of the racial justice movement in the wake of George Floyd’s death, the emphasis on guilt and justice is ever more on the rise and the concept of forgiveness seems, especially to the younger generation, increasingly problematic. What are the influences that are making forgiveness problematic in our culture?” Later, Keller offers this insight, “When a society rejects the Christian account of who we are, it doesn’t become less moralistic but far more so, because it retains an inchoate sense of justice but has no means of offering and receiving forgiveness.” The article is long but well worth the time.
2. The Wastefulness of Beauty: Michael Rennier reflects on God’s invitation for us to step into creating with delight, even when what we create is impermanent. He concludes, “Make art. Make beauty. Toss it away. Trace your name in water. Cast beauty in your wake, a seed that may be forgotten and buried forever or, perhaps, to be retrieved at some future date by hot, warm nervous hands. Either way, it makes no difference. It’s all love.”
3. There’s No Such Thing as the Lizard Brain: Lisa Feldman Barrett undermines this and other myths on the brain explored. She says that research tells us, “What does all this mean for you? You’re not a simple stimulus-response organism. The experiences you have today influence the actions that your brain automatically launches tomorrow.”
4. How Religious Commitment Varies by Country: Africa, Middle East, and South Asia rank highest of countries with a high religious commitment. It’s telling to see the very low religious commitment in Canada, Europe, and China. The United States lands in the middle at 53% of those saying religion is important to them.
5. Iguana Chased by Nest of Deadly Snakes: Get out your popcorn and check your heart rate for these two minutes of adrenaline.
Reflections on 20 Years of Marriage
In January, Angel and I celebrated 20 years of marriage. If you’ve been a reader of this blog for a while, you know what a miracle that is. It is a gift to be able to celebrate his goodness and faithfulness.
Angel and I met in high school. She was a freshman, and I was a junior. She set her sights on me. I was oblivious… until I wasn’t.
After a long-distance courtship, we married at the tender ages of 21 and 19. I often tell young couples I walk through pre-marital counseling with that marrying early comes with unique gifts and unique challenges. There are gifts of getting married young. Those include the blessing of a long history with someone, protection from certain sexual temptations, and leaning into responsibility earlier than most.
Would you Extend Grace to Your Pastor?
I may or may not know your pastor. But I know one thing: your pastor is tired.
I have the blessing of being a part of a couple of local pastors’ groups and am friends with a number of pastors outside of those groups. While we come from a broad spectrum theologically and denominationally, we all share the same experience of leading a church through COVID-19. We are worn out.
I know you’re tired as well. This has been an exhausting stretch for all of us. My heart with this post isn’t to have you pull out your violin for pastors, nor is it to diminish the challenges of non-pastors during this time. My heart is to give you a peek behind the curtains so that we might grow in grace with one another.
I will first explain six reasons why this season has been so hard for your pastor, and then I will share six ways you can show your pastor grace.
Why has this season been particularly trying?
1. COVID-19
Pastoring the sick when you can’t visit a hospital is frustrating. Pastoring those who are at risk and are fearful has been a challenge, especially when you can’t meet with them face-to-face.
2. Masks
Whatever decision you make as a church about wearing masks will meet heavy criticism from some contingent. We’ve lost several people (we know of) from our congregation over our decisions around masks. It’s heartbreaking.
3. Politics
Everything seems to be viewed through the lens of politics: masks, race, decisions to open your church facility or not. Data tells us that Americans are consuming massive amounts of news coverage. Many view the world through red or blue-tinted glasses. One of my pastor friends recently texted me, “Polarization tells people to bundle every possible statement as part of some partisan agenda, which makes saying anything a losing position. The bind I wrestle with is how to simultaneously be a human (who has my convictions and thoughts on everything), a pastor, and non-polarizing.” Most pastors believe that the Bible speaks in contradistinction to both American political parties. Both are out of step in their own way with a biblical vision of governance and justice. But to speak as a follower of Jesus, not the Republican or Democratic party, sets your pastor at odds with both.
For My Kids on the Occasion of My 40th Birthday
Tomorrow I turn 40. Lord willing, I’m about halfway done with this marathon we call life.
God has been so gracious to me. I have a godly wife who makes me laugh every day and two teenage children who grow daily in faith and wisdom. 25 and 27 years from now Camille and Soren will celebrate their 40th birthdays. This post is for them: it’s the hard-earned wisdom that I’ve accumulated over my years that I hope they can learn from. I hope it blesses you as well.
Here are the top ten truths I’ve learned in my 40 years:
1) Seek wisdom
There is no end to foolishness in this world. Wisdom is a rare commodity. Run hard after it. Look to those whose character you admire. Listen to what they say and read what they write. When I was a kid, I was a sponge for sports trivia. I got a jolt in being able to know something someone else didn’t. In college I caught the bug for philosophical and theological knowledge. It took me until my later twenties and thirties to develop a stronger thirst for wisdom than knowledge. Accumulated wisdom is like the water of a river, it will smooth and shape the stones in its bed over time.