“I want to forgive him, but how do I forgive someone who died years ago?”
“I want to forgive her, but I don’t have any way to contact her.”
Do you have someone in your life that you want to forgive, but you don’t know how to because they are no longer in your life or perhaps they have passed away? This topic has come up a number of times in counseling others. May I offer some advice?
The misunderstanding.
Sometimes we confuse or conflate forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is releasing someone of a debt that is owed to us (see the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matt 18:23-35). As Christians, Jesus tells us we must forgive others (Matt. 6:12-15). (For more on forgiveness, these posts might help: It’s (not) too late to apologize and How can I forgive them?). We don’t need the wrongdoer to know we forgave, to accept our forgiveness, or to even be alive in order for us to extend forgiveness in our heart. All of these would be ideal but not necessary as forgiveness is ultimately a one-way transaction.
Reconciliation is different, and better! Reconciliation is a two-way transaction that goes beyond forgiveness in the relationship. Paul tells us that a unique calling of the Christian (because Christ has reconciled us to God) is that we have been given the ministry of reconciliation (2 Cor. 5:18). Reconciliation is healing that culminates after confession, repentance, and forgiveness. Paul urges us to “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Roms 12:18). Paul is not talking about a mere absence of conflict here, I think he is alluding to the Hebrew notion of peace—shalom. Notice Paul gives two qualifiers: “if possible,” and “so far as it depends on you.” Paul recognizes that reconciliation (true peace) only comes when two people are actively working toward it.
Do everything in your power.
Who likes conflict? No one! That’s who. Let’s be honest: most of us create all sorts of excuses to get out of conflict.
“They’ve probably forgotten about it.”
“I can forgive them without talking to them about it.”
“It will just re-open a wound.”
“I don’t know how to begin the conversation.”
“I don’t even know where they live.”
You may have used some of these excuses. I sure have! But if we believe that Christ’s reconciling work has called us and equipped us to be ministers of reconciliation, we must believe that the hurdles of reconciliation are worth it.
Let me respond to each of these rebuffs in turn:
“They’ve probably forgotten about it.” They might have, but they might also be waiting for you to seek them out. When you are hurt, do you quickly forget the harm done to you? The unforgiveness that is between you and them creates a rift in the relationship. Making amends provides the opportunity for you to re-build relationally.
“I can forgive them without talking to them about it.” You can, but you can’t reconcile without a conversation. Are you avoiding conflict? Remember, we are called to do everything in our power to “live peaceably with all”.
“It will just re-open a wound.” It will. But was the initial wound properly healed if hurt or wrongs were left unaddressed? Reopening the wound is healthy so that the relationship can eventually be properly healed.
“I don’t know how to begin the conversation.” You’re right to be thoughtful here. Seek out wise and godly counselors or read The Peacemaker by Ken Sande for more specific guidance.
“I don’t even know where they live.” Can you think of mutual acquaintances who might have their contact information? Have you looked on social media? Or Google?
Some serious situations warrant caution, specifically situations of abuse. I encourage you to speak to a pastor or counselor about your own situation, if you think it might involve safely keeping yourself distanced from a hostile person. There are other situations where the wisest course of action is to send a letter/email to the individual. Again, I encourage you to seek professional godly counsel if this is your situation.
Healing.
There is an important truth that lies behind the question, “how do I forgive someone who is gone?” One of the blessings of reconciliation is that it often brings about significant healing to the wounds we have experienced. What we are saying when we ask the question of how do we forgive someone without them present is, “how do I heal without someone repenting of or even acknowledging how they have injured me?”
What we will find when we reach this point is that, much like the process of reconciliation, we need to move against our natural impulses to navigate healing. To bring about healing, we tend to minimize the offense, provide a rationale for the offense, or dehumanize the perpetrator. None of these methods will bring about true healing.
When we minimize the offense done against us, we are minimizing the pain that we experienced. A Band-Aid isn’t sufficient to heal a broken bone, the injury needs to be set. An aspirin won’t heal pneumonia, you need amoxicillin and other heavier duty medications. Similarly, when our heart is significantly wounded by someone’s words or actions, we can’t just “brush it off and put on a happy face.”
Rationalizing the offense can be helpful to some degree. When we ask, “why would they have done that?” we sometimes can gain empathetic insight into the perpetrator. If we approach the question with charity and wisdom, we might better understand the heart of the one who injured us, and sometimes we might even uncover ways we have sinned against this individual. But without the person as part of the conversation, our conjectures might well be wrong and create a false narrative. Rationalizing the offense is unhelpful when it becomes a form of denying the offense. We need to be able to view the situation realistically and authentically, and as objectively as possible (despite being the victim). Anything less will short circuit healing.
Most dangerous is dehumanizing the perpetrator. When we say, “they’re just messed up,” or “they’re just evil,” we effectively damn them. Only God can make this judgment. Hurt people hurt people; they are likely perpetuating hurt from a broken place within themselves. While this does not at all excuse them, we are called to love even our enemies.
So, how do we bring about healing? The ideal is to navigate a process of reconciliation. But, God is sufficient even when that process isn’t possible.
Look to David who, through the Psalms, works out his disappointment, anger, and hurt caused by Saul, his sons, and Ahithophel (his advisor who turns traitor). Psalm 22 is a great place to start. David begins:
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
and by night, but I find no rest.
Throughout Psalm 22 and other Psalms we see the path to healing. First, David brings his complaint to the Lord. He doesn’t whitewash the offenses done against him; he directly speaks to how hurt he is. David often begs for God to make things right and to bring about justice (even vengeance) on his enemies. This is often an affront to our sensibilities as contemporary Christians. In fact, you’ll hear pastors or commentators reflect that these Psalms that demand God’s justice (called imprecatory Psalms) are inappropriate for a Christian to pray. I disagree. Such Psalms demonstrate a healthy response to hurt and trust in a sovereign and just God who promises to make all things right. They do not diminish the hurt, neither do they hold onto the demand to make things right themselves, instead they obediently entrust the injustice and pain to God with an honest heart.
David usually closes these Psalms by reflecting on his trust in God. Psalm 22 closes with these words:
Posterity shall serve him;
it shall be told of the Lord to the coming generation;
they shall come and proclaim his righteousness to a people yet unborn,
that he has done it.
Healing is unlikely to come through one prayer, but rather taking our wounded heart to our loving and faithful God again and again and receiving his healing care. It is only through the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit that permanent and complete healing can take place. It is only God who can bring about justice. It is only God who can re-write the lies that we believed because of our wounds and speak truth over our hearts.
The freedom of forgiveness.
God longs for us to live in the freedom of forgiveness. He invites us to experience his healing and to use it as a means to drawer nearer to him. Even if you cannot reconcile with the one who has injured you, God can bring healing and freedom through the power of forgiveness. David reminds us, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” (Ps. 56:8, NLT). And we are assured that God will “wipe away every tear” (Rev. 21:4).
Not long ago a friend of mine received a text from a long-estranged friend who was in hospice: he wanted to talk. His stomach knotted. Why would he say yes? Just thinking of that relationship brought up the hurt. In faith, he pulled into the hospice facility the next day and walked through the doors. Emerging from the room an hour later, he could feel it. He was lighter. Words of confession, repentance and forgiveness were offered. Tears were shed. Reconciliation offered days before his restored friend would die.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are choices, albeit very difficult choices that require time spent with God in his Word and in prayer. If you feel like your inner turmoil will never end, hear God’s promise to you: “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” (1 Pet 5:10).
Jesus is the Prince of Peace. He is the Great Healer of our souls. And he has made us ministers of reconciliation and peace. He most perfectly brings about that peace and healing through reconciliation. But he can bring peace and healing about even when that person is gone.
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash