The rise of reality TV and then social media has radically increased transparency. Team Transparency has rallied around #nofilter selfies and sharing even the frustrating and discouraging parts of life. Team Self-Respect has rallied around calls for decency and the need for some last bastion of privacy. Team Transparency has attacked Team Self-Respect for their filtered and prettied-up lives, for mushy posts about significant others and bragging about their kids. Team Self-Respect has attacked Team Transparency for their self-importance and oversharing about bad bosses and relationships, and shaming their spouses and children.
So, which team is right? Should we be transparent?
I believe the answer is yes, but we ought to be cautious about what appropriate transparency is.
Let me first acknowledge something: what our social media culture has hit upon that is true is that transparency is potent. On the positive side, we are designed to care about people. We also naturally connect with people’s weaknesses. Both of those truths are good. Negatively, we are also wired to compare ourselves, and we get a shot of endorphins when seeing someone worse off than us. It’s what Jerry Springer happened upon way back in the early 1990s. People are drawn to drama. When you are transparent, you wield a powerful tool that will pull people in, for better or worse.
And just as there can be good and bad motives for being drawn to transparency, there are good and bad motives for transparency. Before you tell all, ask yourself these three questions:
1) Am I being honest with myself? A surprisingly tricky thing about transparency is that we often don’t fully understand ourselves. The danger when we don’t understand ourselves is that we can deceive ourselves with our motives. When we aren’t honest with ourselves, our transparency usually reflects out to the world tales of our heroism or victimhood. Are you the hero or victim of your posts on Facebook? #justsaying is usually the accusing finger of a victim and a #humblebrag is only one of those two things, and it isn’t the former. Because of our sin, we are complicated, and our motives are hard to pin down. Examine yourself and your culpability before sharing online.
2) Are you being honest about others? Similarly, when our transparency involves sharing about others, are they just props in your story, or are they genuine people to whom you are extending the charity of Christ? When you are #justkeepingitreal are you caring for others you are sharing about? Are you demonstrating mercy and forbearance? Do you share about others as you want them to share about you?
3) Are you manipulating? Transparency can be a powerful weapon for manipulation. Do you love your neighbor when you share about your #worstdayever? Would it be more appropriate to reach out to one good friend instead of paralyzing dozens (or hundreds) of social media acquaintances? Are you serving others or serving yourself?
About now you might be thinking it’s better just not to be transparent at all. Who can clear those three hurdles every time? Not me! And yet, I still believe that transparency is worth the risk. You see, not being transparent has all of the same dangers involved. You can be dishonest with yourself in the quiet of your heart just as quickly as you can be dishonest with yourself in public. You can lie about others in the quiet of your heart just as easily (maybe more so!) as you can be in public. And you can manipulate others by not being transparent just as you can manipulate others by being transparent.
Learning transparency has been a hard-fought lesson for me. In my early years of ministry I was lousy at being open. In fact, without realizing it, I was pretty guarded. A lot of that stemmed from my lack of self-understanding and my fears about my weaknesses and sin. My guardedness was a shield for my deficiencies.
Living transparently in a God-honoring manner is a freeing thing. It can’t come without deep self-understanding, but it is worth the cost. When you live transparently, you don’t expend energy trying to protect yourself or creating different versions of yourself for various groups. When you live transparently, people know what to expect of you because you have already told them who you are. When you live transparently, people are less disappointed with you or frustrated with you because you’ve already told them you know your weaknesses.
Paul’s most maddening ministry was to the stubborn little church in Corinth. They accepted Paul when he was with them, but quickly abandoned him for false teachers, lived lives in outright rebellion to the gospel, and were petty and vindictive. It’s baffling, then, that Paul is at his most transparent with them. In response to the church at Corinth departing Paul for the so-called super-apostles, Paul lays out his credentials. But instead of bragging about his intellectual lineage or the fact that God met him in person (!) and called him, Paul lays out his credentials: his suffering and his struggle with the thorn in his flesh. “If I must boast,” Paul says, “I will boast of the things that show my weakness.”[i] Now, that is some transparency!
On many occasions, Angel and I have shared how our marriage almost failed. From time to time, I receive comments from those concerned about that level of transparency. Their concern is not out of place. Transparency is a powerful and dangerous thing. After much consideration, Angel and I decided to share our story so publicly.
On the one hand, God has been leading us on that journey for some time. Even in the wake of the event, we confessed to many groups, privately and publicly, and sought forgiveness. When we came to New Life, we shared with the search team and, with the approval of leadership, we shared our story before the congregation. We acknowledge we are never pure in our intentions or desires. Still, as much as we are able, Angel and I desire for our story to be used for the good of others: to give people in broken marriages hope, to call people out of sin, and to give glory to Christ. And, by God’s grace, we’ve seen God do that time and time again through our story.
Transparency is powerful. Transparency is messy. Transparency can backfire. But true, godly transparency is worth it.
[i] 1 Corinthians 11:30
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